read with caution

I think I'll just get straight to the point, I've been thinking about this very faint but slightly vivid memory I've regained recently; it was about my ex girlfriend, a girl I knew since 6th when I was 12. she's one year older than me and she was the same girl who had me hooked and had a very sudden dependency on marijuana as of last year. I always had an addiction, I won't lie, but it had never been so bad to the point where I had to be smoking everyday just to live my life and to just feel something that was so temporary and untrue. 

recently, my thoughts have been pretty distorted since everything that had happened to me, sure, I'm recovering now. but lately I cannot shake off this memory I've had something i would've never expected a girl like k to do. one day, we ended up getting high together, and during this time i had a pretty low tolerance—making me be very vulnerable to greening out, unlike k who has a pretty high tolerance when it came to her weed intake. and I did green out.

i was pretty delirious, it felt like my mind was blacking out every few seconds. but I have a memory of her threatening to hurt me—to beat me, and I was scared, frightened even due to the effects of the high hitting me and her words. I had started crying, and as a way for her to soothe me, she touched me without my consent, and even if I had, I wouldn't be in my right mind to do so. she said she could make me better, make me feel better. and then after that everything just feels distant, like I can't push myself to remember anything more than what my brain gave me.

if anything, I feel shocked, I don't know how to feel towards k after receiving such a flashback. I don't necessarily hate her, but a subconscious part of me does due to the fact I let my guard down so easily—letting another loved one hurt me again like how a lot of other people have. it makes me feel disgusting, disgusting to offer my body to her in the first place—she wouldn't have used me for sex if I didn't initiate the contact first, I liked it all the other times, so why would she have needed a moment where I'm completely vulnerable and full of delirium to touch me? so I couldn't fight back? not like I could anyways, she's way more taller than me. I'm practically the size of a 4th grader, which makes me wish I had the strength I should have. I know it's not my fault for the way she had treated me, but I can't help but sit here and think it is.

she had hurt me, countless times—and no matter how many times I say I hate her for what she done, how she encouraged such unhealthy habits for me and covered it as 'love' I still can't find a single feeling inside of my body to truly hate her, and I wish I could, but I feel as if my heart is too kind to hate somebody truthfully enough—I can experience hate, I can experience being upset, but I can never stay mad for so long. I could go on and on and rant about the people I hate, yet I feel like I am incapable of doing such. and this experience happening once again to me, I don't know how to feel—I think I only can feel dread, and just shock overall.