suicide

sorry for not posting on my blog recently, I've been too stressed out and mad at the world to do anything—at least recently one good thing happened is I changed my snakebite piercings but other than that not a lot of good things have been going for me, as of today and yesterday I had relapsed, not a big shocker though since all my other unhealthy coping mechanisms have been either taken away from me or I just don't find enjoyment in them like I do anymore.

yesterday, my thighs were very bloody, and there is a few cuts in my arms but they'll end up going away quickly. I don't do big cuts anyways so these scars will just blend into my skin tone like always within a few weeks. I've been pretty much mad at everything, down to the thoughts about k and how I've been recently raped, the personal things going on in my life, all the way down to my online life and how I keep self sabotaging my image alongside other things I have going on I cannot continue to list on, because it's too much for my mind to practically even handle or explain in words—it practically sickens me the way I have to live everyday, I was feeling so happy recently as well but I guess it was nothing but a pure manic episode like always before I crash down. I keep going on crazy babblings to my friends about how I hate them and don't like how they treat me, but I know fully well they aren't doing anything wrong—it's just me. because I'm hating how my life is going right now, and every simple tiny thing is making me upset, I don't know what to do, it's like every time this happens it worsens every single time, I don't know how to manage my episodes or my emotions, if anything my mind is telling me to kill myself, and to be fully honest I want to, I really do. my thoughts are louder than my own voice, and I feel like I have no choice but to listen.

but I don't wanna kill myself just yet, valentines day is tomorrow and I want to be there to celebrate with my girlfriend—other than that, I don't know what I can do going forward, I want to just cut all contact with everyone I know, including my friends and family—then I can finally figure out a plan on how I want to truly end my life, I want this attempt to be perfect and not fail like all my other ones. I know this post practically sounds crazy compared to my other ones cause I'm just babbling on about how I want to kill myself, but maybe you'd understand if you were in my position, I only cause problems—ever since I've been in anybody's life that is all I know how to do or show them is cause problems, my mother has even said all I do is cause problems for her. I truly wish I was never born, because everyone's life around me would've been perfect. I am nothing but just a retarded frustrated girl, a girl with nothing ahead of her with no goals. my life has BEEN ruined the day I was born. even before my mother had birthed me they didn't even want me to exist basically, because I would've just been born retarded—it makes me laugh. how people have so much hope in me and how I believed that too, but nobody truly has hope in me, it's deeper than how I just explain simple things, my simple 'leave me alone's' is just me asking people to leave so I can kill myself on my own, so I can suffer on my own without anyone having to burden the trouble nor any of my self-destructive desires. and yes it hurts me doing it in such a way, but that's what suicide is all about anyways—for your own selfish gain, unless I'm wrong? but either way I don't care as long as I can get what I happily want in the end.

people think this is all nothing but a game to me, a sick game, and to be honest they could be right about that—but in their perspective this is a game to them too. they just don't realize it lol. and to be fair, I could list down all my reasons on why I want to kill myself, and I can! I've been raped so many times, groomed so many times, used, abused, etc, list could go on to even the more lesser serious things that matter to me the most, even things down to 2015 that I still think about to this day from the way I've been mistreated so many times—even if it's from close friends currently, or even friends that I don't even talk to anymore—even if its unintentional or not or intentional—I'll always have it stick to me in the back of my brain to always remind me I'm a piece of shit human that deserves to be treated the way I do.

and you're probably wondering why don't I just get professional help? there is only so much they can do though, it's not like they'll be able to fix ALL my problems, and if anything their help just feels nothing but fake—sure it's their job, but it's also their job to practically give you sympathy and empathy on your situation, you don't know how they truly perceive you. and you're probably like, why don't you just stop doing what you're doing? you wouldn't get it, my life has been like this ever since I was a little girl, I've always felt a dread coursing through my body, I never cared for anyone's sympathy, just attention, and all of that is temporary, but I can make it permanent to stop these thoughts by ending my life, so hopefully you understand now. and hopefully when I finally find my peace in heaven, you will forget about me, you won't worry about me, and hopefully the day I commit you won't even make a big deal about it—won't even mention me, like I was never even there. it's not like the circumstances would matter either way, cause I'd be dead, just like I keep mentioning multiple times. 

and if any of my friends are reading this, further on I will not respond to any messages you send me, or if you try to talk to me as a way to stop me—I won't listen to anything you guys have to say, I will go through with my plan and if anyone else tries to get in my way I'll just simply just block you, enough said.

you're probably thinking I won't go through with it—but I will, just watch me.

I'll be the perfect angel

read with caution

wow another post ^__^ today wasn't all too interesting in my opinion LOLXD but, I suppose I did do a couple of things today such as clean my room, and just do whatever, like playing roblox—today I had also thought about k, only doing so because of the fact when I was cleaning my room I had found her lashes that she had left at my house the last time she had slept over, and also a drawing within an old notebook of mine.

I guess I miss her, though not entirely due to her negative repetitive actions and how she encouraged such unhealthy habits of mine—as you guys already know. but I suppose I miss the love bombing, and the touching even the good and bad, I don't know why, I feel disgusting when I think of her touch. but I miss the lovely words she told me although they were laced as nothing but white lies of how she truly viewed me. but even with all the touching said and done, and how she took my virginity—I can't help but cry and cry as I touch myself, and I'd always think of her and how she touched my body and told me how pretty I am which makes me feel like I have a part where I exactly don't know how to explain my feelings towards her, or how I perceive her. 

I won't lie I cried a bit when I saw the stuff that was left over, and for some reason I can't bring myself to throw any of it away. infact I just left them where they were. I guess the feeling sux obviously ¬_¬ but I guess if I think hard enough, really real hard—these thoughts of her would go away, I'll finally forget her and move on with my life, but it feels really hard to do so. since he influenced something so huge I don't think I'll ever forget as a part of an era in my life. but I guess things will get better, hopefully even though the hope feels so false, but I have people who support me now, even if they slightly don't get me a lot either with my complicated feelings—there is only so much they can do, and I don't blame them if they get tired of my rantings about her.

I haven't even admitted to my mom about her raping me. :(

but enough negative talk, at least tomorrow will be better cause I get to get my snakebite piercing bars smaller, and I get to have the triangular spiky black ones, isn't that exciting!!!!!!!!!!!! :D I can't wait tbh :P and I get to make macaroons with my mother, which I've never made before and she hasn't either, so hopefully the experience will be fun for the both of us lul

I guess that's it to this blog post, so I'm gonna end it here, thx 4 reading

read with caution

I think I'll just get straight to the point, I've been thinking about this very faint but slightly vivid memory I've regained recently; it was about my ex girlfriend, a girl I knew since 6th when I was 12. she's one year older than me and she was the same girl who had me hooked and had a very sudden dependency on marijuana as of last year. I always had an addiction, I won't lie, but it had never been so bad to the point where I had to be smoking everyday just to live my life and to just feel something that was so temporary and untrue. 

recently, my thoughts have been pretty distorted since everything that had happened to me, sure, I'm recovering now. but lately I cannot shake off this memory I've had something i would've never expected a girl like k to do. one day, we ended up getting high together, and during this time i had a pretty low tolerance—making me be very vulnerable to greening out, unlike k who has a pretty high tolerance when it came to her weed intake. and I did green out.

i was pretty delirious, it felt like my mind was blacking out every few seconds. but I have a memory of her threatening to hurt me—to beat me, and I was scared, frightened even due to the effects of the high hitting me and her words. I had started crying, and as a way for her to soothe me, she touched me without my consent, and even if I had, I wouldn't be in my right mind to do so. she said she could make me better, make me feel better. and then after that everything just feels distant, like I can't push myself to remember anything more than what my brain gave me.

if anything, I feel shocked, I don't know how to feel towards k after receiving such a flashback. I don't necessarily hate her, but a subconscious part of me does due to the fact I let my guard down so easily—letting another loved one hurt me again like how a lot of other people have. it makes me feel disgusting, disgusting to offer my body to her in the first place—she wouldn't have used me for sex if I didn't initiate the contact first, I liked it all the other times, so why would she have needed a moment where I'm completely vulnerable and full of delirium to touch me? so I couldn't fight back? not like I could anyways, she's way more taller than me. I'm practically the size of a 4th grader, which makes me wish I had the strength I should have. I know it's not my fault for the way she had treated me, but I can't help but sit here and think it is.

she had hurt me, countless times—and no matter how many times I say I hate her for what she done, how she encouraged such unhealthy habits for me and covered it as 'love' I still can't find a single feeling inside of my body to truly hate her, and I wish I could, but I feel as if my heart is too kind to hate somebody truthfully enough—I can experience hate, I can experience being upset, but I can never stay mad for so long. I could go on and on and rant about the people I hate, yet I feel like I am incapable of doing such. and this experience happening once again to me, I don't know how to feel—I think I only can feel dread, and just shock overall.

first post, my name is riri, rina, charlotte whatever alias you know me by ^,...,^ this is a blog where i will be rambling mostly about my psychological issues such as my drug induced psychosis, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, derealization, identity confusion, gender dysphoria, hypersexuality, and whatever else fucked up shit i have got going on in my little brain :P and just other stuff that i feel the need to ramble about to the world ^__^ 

so just from this paragraph alone, you should take caution when looking through my blog as it's intended to be for 14+ users only, if you are younger and going through this personal blog of mine—unfortunately that is out of my control and not my problem, as harsh as it sounds -_-'

if you want to refer to me, my pronouns are he him and she her, although i prefer he him more than she her. i am also an ambonec lesbian.

i don't know what else to really add to my introduction of this blog, so this is about it to this post. i hope my experiences give you some slight of relatability—or just show off what really goes on in the real world to some people like me. i would also like to say that this blog is not intended to be viewed on mobile, as it looks better on laptop/computer.